It’s been 11 weeks today. That fact didn’t occur to me until
I sat down to write. Eleven weeks of putting one foot in front of the other. Eleven
weeks of successes and setbacks. Eleven weeks of parenting alone. Eleven weeks
of homework and housework, listening and laughing, crying and coping. In other
words, eleven weeks of life just keeping moving forward since Kraig died.
Today was a busy day. There were errands and chores,
meetings with friends, and even a trip into the office. I’m a radio DJ and we
had a meeting in addition to me needing to track (record my shows, for all you
non-DJs). I finished all of this up and headed to my afternoon insanity—after-school
juggling with four kids in three schools.
I’ve gotten it down to a science. Pick up Lucy from
Kindergarten down the street at 2:45. Arrive home and wait for Ryan and Kati to
return by 3:10. They walk. Then at 3:25 head off to the high school to get
Jarod so he won’t have to wait. Jarod enjoys the one-on-one time to decompress
with me about his day on the drive home.
Except today didn’t happen like that. Because life is
unpredictable.
Today Ryan was having a bad autism day. When 3:25 rolled
around, I was still missing two middle-schoolers. I called up to the school and
discovered Ryan was having a major meltdown and his special ed teacher, bless
her, never lets him leave until he’s calm. I told them I’d be right up. We’d be
late to get Jarod but there wasn’t anything to be done about that.
I told Kati, waiting patiently for her brother by the office
counter, to head outside to the van with Lucy. Ryan was in an office with two
caring adults trying to help him calm the sobs. The lights were out. I was so
torn between the child I knew would be waiting, wondering where I was, and the
child in front of me hurting and unable to calm himself. He wasn’t doing this
on purpose.
I texted Jarod while Ryan and his teacher explained to me
the cause of the sobs and tears running down his blotchy, red face. He’d been
crying a while. “Ryan’s having a meltdown. Be right there.” I prayed Jarod
checked his cell phone. He only uses it to call me. It’s rarely on.
When Ryan was still struggling to tell me what was wrong, I
realized I had planned to go get Jarod’s newly repaired pocket watch from the
shop on the way home from getting him. He’d be thrilled. Now how to occupy all
four. “Ryan, would Happy Hour at Sonic for some slushies help?” The tears
stopped so fast the teachers laughed out loud. “Sonic?” Ryan perked up. Yes, I
assured him, but we needed to go now. Jarod would be waiting and we didn’t want
him to think mom had forgotten him.
Ryan calmed and I thanked the teachers. We rushed to the
high school to find Jarod, waiting and looking upset. He’d left his cell phone
at home. He had indeed worried I’d forgotten him. Plus his day had been exhaustively long and full of high school stress. I apologized. He understands
having a brother with autism often means meltdowns delaying things. But his
shoulders still sank in a resigned way. What’re
ya gonna do? they seemed to say.
We headed to Sonic. Gotta love Happy Hour. Five slushies for
$4.33. That’s craft fair money put to good use, honestly. And it let me leave
the three younger kids in the van and take just Jarod in to retrieve his newly
repaired pocket watch—his pride and joy. It’s over 100 years old and he bought it
with his own money. But he fell on it last week, shattering the crystal (the
glass, for you non-steampunk fans). Grandpa offered to pay for the repair.
As a result of this chaos, we deemed it “what can we find in
the freezer and fridge” for dinner tonight. There are still baths and showers
to be accomplished. Rooms to be tidied and laundry to be folded and homework attacked.
And just like that, another day is done. Life goes on.
In the back of my mind it doesn’t seem right that life is
just going on…but I know it is. I’m not sad for Kraig. He’s in a place with no
meltdowns, no schedules, no work. And it’s my job to keep doing all those
things down here. Today we did. Today I put one foot in front of the other. I
tried my best to be a good mom. I talked to God often about how that should
work. I pray He’ll give the kids supernatural understanding beyond their years
when Mom is pulled in too many directions at once and they must be patient. And
I trust He will help me get through tomorrow just like I got through today.
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