Nothing overwhelms like the mundane when you are struggling
through grief. At least that’s been my experience. Dishes and laundry and
picking up the house are bad enough. But grocery shopping and meal planning are
the worst.
I will give myself credit in that my kids are being cared
for. Since losing my husband they have been on time to school every day they
have gone. They have been bathed (as well as they usually are bathed), dressed
in clean clothing, and well kept. They are fed each day and our home does not
yet require an intervention from the show Hoarders—thanks in no small part to a
few friends who have helped me clean this week. Laundry is getting done and
they have even had clean sheet day several times.
But then there’s planning their food.
This has always been a struggle for me. I used to find joy
in baking. Kraig was the one who liked to cook and so he did dinner prep at least three nights
a week, sometimes more. I struggle with getting stuck in the same ruts—spaghetti,
tacos, burgers and fries, hot dogs and mac n’ cheese, and the ever popular
scrambled eggs.
Today was one of those days when I needed to go to the
grocery store. We were out of some essentials and, truth be told, my kids have
had frozen popcorn chicken, hot dogs, and left overs too often lately. So I
tried. I really did. But the vast quantities of choices lining the shelves
brought tears to my eyes. I felt like I was failing in this essential part of
my job as mom and homemaker. What to make
for dinner? I can’t even process what my to-do list should look like today.
I have a friend who has offered to sit down and help me with
this chore. Our schedules just haven’t meshed yet. I need to take her up on the
offer. I don’t like panicking in the produce aisle. I don’t like fighting tears
as I look at boxes of hamburger helper and hear my health-food-conscious friends
gasp from a distance. Yeah, I’m imagining it but the knowledge that this is now uncool is still there.
I’m doing OK in this process of grieving. But that assurance
goes out the window as I step into Walmart to buy food. Nothing makes me feel
so small, so lost, as trying to determine what is good for my kids to eat for
dinner over the next five days. What is healthy? Who the heck knows anymore!
What is easy for me to accomplish when I’m struggling to get organized, help
with homework, get baths done, and fit in TV shows that they like to watch with
me? What can I make that will have a minimum of complaints or will appeal to them as comforting? What can I make the one gluten-free kid if the rest of us have this? Argh.
So I came home with three meals, I think. Two are processed
and I don’t care. I made it out of Walmart without crying and for today, that
is a win.
No comments:
Post a Comment