I think it was a wedding ring that did it. Sitting across
from me in the first class on the road to membership at my new
church sat a woman with an exquisite wedding set. It must have recently been
cleaned because it sparkled in the light. I suddenly became very aware of my
empty finger…and so much more.
I pushed the thought aside. This was not a moment to think
about the fact that it had been nine months ago tonight when I had lost him.
This was a moment for the Discovery class to tell me if this was the church I
hoped it was. This was time for me to hear what this church believed in and
what the core values were from the senior pastor I was growing to respect and
his wife, a new friend I already adored.
Katy is such a gifted encourager. No, that’s not the word.
She’s welcoming. She’s hospitable. She makes you feel as though you are
important, welcomed, and valued in her presence. She makes you feel as though
you matter. It is a unique quality and I’d bet she has no idea this is what she
exudes.
And still, as I listened, I couldn’t help but notice my
empty ring finger.
It’s been months since I wore my wedding ring. It started to
become loose in the cold temps and then it just didn’t feel right on my hand. I
sometimes wear other rings on that finger. Tonight I moved one from the other
hand and tried to focus.
As the evening went on, I found more reasons to be glad God
brought me to this church. In all my years as a pastor’s wife and in the few
when I served as a children’s pastor, I have never heard a senior pastor speak
with such passion about the importance of children’s ministry. Pastor David was
zealous about this ministry being where kids come to understand who Jesus is in
an environment that is fun but does not sacrifice truth. This man of God valued
ministry to children, teens, and young adults even if it meant we needed to cut
funds to ministry to adults to make it happen. I’m not sure I can adequately
convey how much I respected that.
The more the evening went on the more I felt absolutely sure
this is the church home for me and my kids. This is a place where messy is OK.
This is a place where questions are OK and faith is a journey we walk together.
This is a place Kraig would have liked.
Afterwards, I couldn’t hold it together as well as I wanted
so I simply whispered to Katy that tonight was 9 months. Her reply was a hug
and to tell me she thinks I’m so brave. She wondered if this class, this
process of membership would be hard. I told her I’d never joined a church as an
adult without him. But the irony is that if he hadn’t died, I never would have
had the privilege of finding this one. I
got another hug.
It was a good day, all in all. Ryan felt loved on this, his
14th birthday. He missed his dad, he told me on our shopping trip
for his gift. But only a little. I didn’t really focus on the date being a sad
anniversary of sorts until the wedding ring. That’s probably good. It’s
progress as I continue to move forward and breathe and live and trust God for
what happens next.
So tonight I will fall asleep, resting a bit easier that I’ve
found a fresh start in an amazing church. I will focus on the good from today
and the happy memories of Kraig just like I tell the kids to do. And I will
continue to trust that God has a plan more amazing than I can imagine.
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