Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Now what?

That’s the thought that crept into my head today--now what? It’s been 13 weeks since Kraig died. Life has, as I knew it would, gone on. We’re having bad days and good days. Dishes are getting washed. Laundry is being done. Food is being prepared—something I’m particularly mad at him for leaving me to care for. My kids are getting hugs and love and support. School work is getting done and groceries are getting purchased. My radio shows are getting done and Jarod has a part in a play. We’ve even got the Christmas tree up, though this year’s decorations are scaled back considerably.

On this cold Tuesday, I’m wondering, “now what?” If life is indeed going on, what does it hold for me? I would love to become a professional writer and speaker. I know that would take the Hand of God to open doors and figure out how to make that work as a widowed mom of four. I trust Him to direct my paths.

But in the day-to-day, here at home with children at school, I tend to hesitate, falter, second-guess. There have been days when this down time has been my time to heal, to rest, to not have to care for them while someone else does. I praise God that He’s provided financially so I can do this. I am still here if they are sick or have a day off school. I'm still able to volunteer with my MOPS group. That is a miracle I give thanks for often.

I’m someone who feels guilty if I’m not productive. On those days when there was no motivation to do anything more than toss in a few loads of laundry, the guilt has crept onto my shoulder. You should be doing something. What makes you think you can just sit here? Look at this mess. Lazy. These are the taunts I shrink from. They do not come from friends or family. They are supportive of me taking time to just, well, be. These taunts come from the father of lies.

Maybe I’m living out a verse I’ve long loved. Psalms 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God.” The stillness can be time to heal. We understand that when a bone is broken or sickness assaults us. But when it’s your heart, your soul, somehow we don’t appreciate the stillness. At least I don’t. Maybe that’s my “what next.” Until God opens a door or shines a lamp onto my path for a new direction, maybe being still as I take care of the necessary is what’s next.

So today I’ll be thankful that I got groceries and ran two errands. Dinner is in the crockpot and I’m getting writing done. And this afternoon will again be a crazy Tuesday with school pick-ups and radio station and bath times and homework and so on. Maybe the stillness in a house that’s not perfect, but isn’t ready to be condemned either, is a gift. Maybe I will listen to the words of a song from Sidewalk Prophets, “If there’s a road I should walk, help me find it. If I need to be still, give me peace for the moment. Whatever Your will, help me find it.”

Today I’ll pray for God’s peace as I wait for my “what next” to arrive. And I’ll toss a load of dishes in the dishwasher, for good measure.

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